Struggling with selfishness

I admit it - I am having a hard time getting back into training - but not for the reasons I thought I would (i.e. lack of motivation) - it is because I feel selfish for dumping Harris in the childcare at the gym and not spending time with him.

Initially I was trying to get him back into a solid routine and I didn't want to go out when I knew it would mess his routine up for sleeping - now I know that I can work around that - especially if I walk to the gym with the pram.

But I just feel so selfish for leaving him there. I don't know where this has come from really because before I got sick last month I had no problem leaving him at the gym creche.

What got me thinking about it really was listening the the wonderful Lia interview both Rae and Michelle Nazaroff for Lindy Olsen at the All Female competition. ( you did a great job Lia).
Listening to Michell Nazaroff talk about managing her baby as well as training got me thinking about it all.

I need to feel OK about giving time to get myself back to where I was before. It is OK to leave him with a carer for a few hours so I can be the best I can be. It is OK for me to want to be the best I can be.

I guess I haven't really done a lot of navel gazing lately - but perhaps I should start again.

Lately I have had a very much "this is good enough" attitude. There has been lots of excuse making going on. Lots of "it doesn't really matter because I actually look OK. I haven't really been feeling bad about the way my body looks but perhaps I have a bit of a hazy view - perhaps I'm not really looking hard and being critical of myself anymore - perhaps that is a good thing?

On a side note I was reading in a parenting magazine about a woman who organises runners to participate in half marathons; fundraising for premature babies and equipment for hospitals etc. I think that this might be something that I would like to participate in. Since having Harris my heart goes out to anyone with a sick baby or child and the doctors who work the miracles to save them. I can't even watch stories about sick cchildren on RPA and shows like that anymore without tearing up. It is something that I have come to feel very strongly about. I need to do some more research though - so watch this space!

the power of banana!

We recently started giving Harris one meal a day of real food in addition to what he gets from Breast milk.

It has been a funny experience and frustrating at times but at the same time it is fascinating to watch my small boy figure out what he does and doesn't like and introduce him to the world of food.

It's also very interesting to watch his reactions to different food.

Now it is all very bland and simple at the moment - he just has single foods - like mashed pumpkin, or sweet potato, rice cereal, mashed pear, mashed apple, banana and avocado.

I guess it is like the opposite of an elimination diet because you can tell when something has affected him differently.

He's not too picky but he definitely doesn't think too highly of apple!

He likes all the veges though - and loves the rice cereal.

I made an interesting observation about the energy inducing effects of banana - we don't actually give him banana at night any more because it gives him a huge energy zing - whereas on the nights he has the nice low GI carb sources - placid happy baby!

It's fun and I am enjoying it!

Now I just have to start setting him a better example with the food choices I make!

September 13th Here I come

Fittingly September 13th is Harris's 7month birthday - an appropriate date to recommence my running passion I think.

Mark and Harris will be cheering me on from the sidelines - my simple goal is to complete this even and do it in under 1 hour.

The sub goal is to find that bug that I was talking about in my last post again!

I'm sure it won't be too hard once I get started.

So the plan for this week is simply to run three times!

3km twice
and 5 km once - probably on Sunday.

It sound so small and measly compared to what I was doing before but hey - things aren't the same as they were before and I have to change my thinking to reflect that change.

I also have decided to work on getting the cale weight down to 71kg as well.

There is a bg list of things that I really want to achieve before I go back to work and as each day ticks by the date when I am going back to work gets closer and closer. One of those things was to lose all of the weight I put on while I was pregnant. It is coming off slowly without me trying too hard but I think I may be losing muscle because my body fat percentage isn't really getting any lower.

So while my end goal weight is around 67 kg, for now I am going to focus on 71 and if I want to have a little break once I get to 71 I will. I really need to be back at aroun 25% BF as well but I'm not too worried about that - it will come in time.

It could be the few glass of red wine I have had speaking but I'm excited!

The Bug

I was out walking today with Harris asleep in the pram and the music from the ipod blaring in my ears - I am positive that is when I accomplish my best thinking.

I was thinking about how motivated I was to train when I was training for the half marathon and what the factors were that contributed to that motivation and I decided that it's "The Bug" that contributes a lot for me.

So what exactly is "the bug" - it's that unexplanable drive and motivation you get when you immerse yourself into a project and you just can't get enough of it - when you are realy looking forward to the outcome or the upcoming event. One of my favourite things in the world is looking forward to an upcoming event and having the excitement build.

In the terms of an athletic event part of that involves the build up events and actions that remind you of the nervous tension and excitement and the reason why you are there doing it in the first place. Those little events that keep the fire alive in side the bug (Perhaps we should call it the firefly).

So I've lost my bug! I realised that this was what I was missing - all those little things that keep me immersed. The gym alone isn't enough.

But when I go out for walks and get these tidbits of inspiation I feel like the bug is there floating around the edges of me.

So I have my event and it's time to try and reignite the bug.

I know I know

... it has been a long time without blogging for me but to be honest I just haven't really felt like it in the past few weeks.

In the haze of sleep deprivation that has been the highlight of the past month I see to have started to lose my mojo for many things - exercise adn blogging being two of them.

I literally have felt like we have been living in a haze. It doesn't help that we have been sick on and off for the most of the past month.

We seem to all be on the mend now though - I just have to find that motivation again.

I promised one of our extended family members that I would do the Canberra times 10km fun run on the 13th of September.

So what am I doing about it.... just thinking about what I need to do rather than doing it.

I have the hesitation of fear of hard work surrounding me at the moment.

I think I may just need to jump in the deep end.

Balance

Ahh it has been such a long time since Imanaged to write anything at all here and I feel very out of touch with all things crafty. Intruth we have both been sick with a recurrent cold and then we went on a trip to Brisbane to visit my mum and friends. Now we are back I am feeling the need to reconnect with the balance that crafting adds to my life.

I have been banging holes in walls left rght and centre this past week, finally putting up some pictures that I have had lying around the place for ages.

I have decided that it is time to make this house of ours feel more like a home and after much deliberation, scouring of magazines and contemplation, I have finally decided on a colour scheme and am making progress towards a more homely home.




The high contrast of the black and the white, the neutrality of the chocolate and the zing of the accent colours of the orange and pink.
We have lots of black and white photo's and we already had a painting using the chocolate and pinks - plus I love that I can add in metallic bits and pieces to give it all some richness.

So I will attempt to get back into the crafting and blogging... next stop - My creative space

What you can, When you can

This week started out well enough but a really bad night with Harris on tuesday night left me in a pudlle of tears by Wednesday morning.

It was probably the worst night we have had since we came home from Hospital and I think he either has another little bug or he is just growing.

So I gave up for the day yesterday and did what I needed to do to preserve sanity. Part of the problem was that I had let a whole lot of things build up and every time I looked around the house I felt like the walls were encroaching in on me.

Harris won't let me put him down long enough to get anything done all in one hit so I end up doing things by halves and then they end up worse than they were to begin with.

mark's sister came over yesterday afternoon and we had a mini cleaning bee and got most of what I wanted to get done, done so I am in a much better head space now.

Now I just need to stay on top of it!

I feel a bit sick today - the gym session this morning was much more difficult than normal and I have a sore throat. Hopefully it doesn't progress into anything bigger.