3am

Argh- it is 3am and I am awake. I am not super awake though and will probably be back asleep in an hour or so. I woke up hungry and got up only to discover there was nothing that constituted a quick snack in the house at all. Luckily there is a woolies home shop order arriving tonight.

I am slowly learning to embrace home shop. The first couple of times I used it I didn't have much jiy because I kept forgetting things and would have to go to the shops anyway. This time I discovered that you can just log on and keep adding to your shopping trolley until you are ready to order. So now whenever we use something up I just add it on straight away - hopefully that wasy nothing gets forgotten. I still need to get meat and veggies, but the meat shopping we do separately from a bulk place and I am going to try out the local farmers markets for veggies - possibly this Sunday - I'll have to see how I am feeling.

today is my last day at work and I honestly dont think I could hvae gone another day. Yesterday was a tough day because all the doctors decided to change their minds on every plan I was working on here I was thinking I would have a cruisy last few days and they have turned everything that was simple to complex and I am going to have to work my butt off today to get even close to not leaving any mess for other people to tidy up.

I had so much discomfort yesterday that I really felt like things were starting to move along. I wasn't sure that he had moved down further into my pelvis before but I am now. It is suddenly so difficult and painful to walk and even sitting is quite uncomfortable.

The thing is - even though these are all good signs - it really doesn't mean too much at all - it could potentially still be 3 - 5 weeks before he makes an appearance!

Change of heart - for now

I think I have had a change of heart re: the private blog thing. I really really dont want to have a private blog because it just makes things difficult and I want people to be able to read my blog freely.

I was extremely angry and upset at a certain family member earlier today and not knowing whether she reads my blog or not, I wanted to have a massive vent and felt like I was a little censored by the blog being so public. (Turns out she does - surprise surprise)

Things have smoothed a little now though and I am thinking that it will be ok to stay public. After all I don't usually vent about things too often on here. The odd time that I do at least it is honest and heartfelt. Family relationships can be so difficult at times and sometimes you need to make decisions that are the best for your own self preservation and sanity. I am quite content having a distant and superficial relationship with my family members - it saves me thousands in psychologists fees and allows me to get on with creating my own life and family memories where the things that I value and have created for myself are important. I think sometimes selfishness is a necessary evil. I chose this path deliberately a long time ago and it works for me and my sanity. If other people dont like it - then thats too bad.

I don't know why some people cant just accept that if they want to have the life they aspire to then they need to get out there, figure out how to do it and take responsibility for doing it off their own back. No one is going to come along and hand you the perfect life on a silver platter and there is always going to be things that are impossible to change that you just need to accept and move on from. The victim mentality will only keep you going for so long. If you dont like your life then do something about it to make it so you do. I did and it works for me - if other people cant accept that then its just too bad.

I think that I am feeling particularly fed up with being so pregnant and with everything that has gone on re: the maternity leave thing I was feeling very fragile today emotionally. I nearly thrw my mobile phone at a brick wall so that I didn't have to deal with it anymore.

So much for the public service being a nice safe employer to work for - it seems they too will f*&K you over the first chance they get as well as any other employer. I spoke with a Solicitor today and it seems like there really isn't very much hope. I have two last things up my sleeve but one of them involves writing a letter that will need to be very well structured and worded and that might take me a week or so.

So we will be living on one income for the time I am off work. I might look into going back slightly earlier than originally planned for two days per week - if I can arrange child care a couple of days per week. Mark says I don't have to if I don't want to though - and that isn't really something I wanted for my child in the first year of his life. I'll see how I am going with it all after he has arrived.

I was extremely upset yesterday and I spent a long time awake in tears last night. Thus the reason for being even more emotional than normal today.

But -- if I am going to be as busy as everyone says I will then I don't need to worry about being bored, I have spin bike, an ability to run long distances, a very good quality pram, a set of weights and enough knowledge (and hopefully motivation) to still achieve the things I wanted to achieve in the next twelve months health and fitness wise.

I'm sure it will all work out for the best.

As for family members - if they want to continue reading my blog - if my life is that interesting to you that you can't tear your eyes away despite the fact that you never want to speak to me again - thats fine - I'm not going to change my life and the way I live it. I'm quite happy with how it works for me. If I appear cold hearted and selfish or even the biggest bitch in the world - I'm fine with that too.

A bit slack

I know that I have been a bit slack but I just haven't really been up for crafting or sewing at all in the past few weeks. A little bit because it has been too hot and a little bit because I haven't had much time to spare.

But today I went to the fabric shop and stocked up on sewing supplies so I can have a few little projects going on in the background over the next few weeks.

here is what I have planned:

• Make some cot sheets from some old cotton sheets we found in Grandma's closet
• Make a few more snuggle bed covers to rotate through
• A few pairs of cute shorts from a pattern I have
• An apron that I have been hoarding th material for.
• some little cotton nappy cover - like pilchers I guess. My concept for these needs a little bit of work.
• Mend the massive tear in the dog's bed.

I think that is all for now.

Private

Unfortunately and against my wants for this blog, it looks as though I might have to go private on the blogging scene - for at least a little while and with this blog. I have always used my blog as a place to vent a little and to be able to say what I please but a situation has arisen that prevents me from being able to do this.

I know that there arepeople out there who simply like to lurk and if you are really keen to keep following along then please email me and I will forward you the details for the log in.

I'll be switching it over to Private from Sunday - so anyone who wants to follow along the fitness side of things and my journey back to pre baby fitness please email me.

Anyone who wants to know about/see pics and updates about the baby - please look at my other blog www.primroseandavery.blogspot.com - i'll post about those things in there because I really want to keep this more personal and fitness related.

Pouring Rain

It is pouring rain today ...well this afternoon at least and it is just so pleasant.

With it being so dry here I really appreciate the rain now.

Today has not been a great day but I don't really want to post about it. Lets just say Mat leave benefits are not looking good and we are preparing to be poor for 12 months. But I am trying not to let it dwell. We wont be poor but we certainly wont be having too many luxuries.

I managed a walk again tonight - and up a big hill at that. Can you tell I really want this baby to come now. I want something to take my mind off all this other stuff. It poured raining on us when we were half way and we got thoroughly drenched.

I have tomorrow off work which I am happy about.

how I know when I am unfit

Now I know what you'll all be thinking... she is nine months pregnant and she expects to be fit?

But thats not really what I was getting at.

A while ago (like perhaps 2 years) I was on an on again off again rollercoaster of dieting and exercise regimens that would last three weeks. That would be three weeks of give my all, obsessive all or nothing black and white thinking, only to give up at the end of the three weeks because it was clearly going to be far too difficult to continue at this pace.

Well of course it was!! Somewhere along the way I realised this and changed my methods. I was much better off for it and I started actually achieving things with my health and fitness.

Anyway - that was a little off topic.

The three weeks would then be followed by about a month of nothing and then I would start to feel like rubbish again and do it all over again.

Something I noticed when my fitness levels were starting to wane OR in that first week when I was starting to get back into it, would be that my hands would get really painful and all tingly whenever I went for a long walk (an exercise driven walk - not just a walk to the shops).

I decided today that I am going to try and start walking with Mark in the evenings - when I am feeling up to it - whenever I can from now on.
Why now you might ask?
two reasons:

1) Because until just this past few weeks I have had excruciating back pain that prevented me from walking too far at all - it seems to have gone now which is strange but good.

2) Because - and I know this is a bit silly - apparently walking can encourage the onset of labour. It may be an old wives tale but hey! I want him to come and be on the outside of this world sooner rather than later and I am willing to give any old wives tale a go to get things on the move!

So I went for a walk tonight - only 20 mins or so - but a walk all the same - and OW my hands - all tingly and painful. Hopefully if I can make the walks regular enough thais will start to ease off.
It felt quite good toget out in the evening air and do something physical!

Lazy Sunday

No much doing today really. I had a terrible day yesterday, generally feeling poorly and my blood pressure was a little elevated. Hence I spent the majority of the day on the lounge reading, napping and then was in bed by 9pm. Unfortunately this isn't a recipie for a very good nights sleep.

So last night I was tossing and turning and waking up every two hours. Then at around 2am a car alarm went off next door and those kinds of things tend to freak me out a little. I was also incredibly uncomfortable during the night.

Surprisingly today I am feeling remarkably well. I have been to the nursery to get a few plants and had a little potter in the garden this morning with Mark. We are going to put some raised garden beds in our front yard behind a massive hedge that blocks the view of our house from the street. They look like this:

It is a bit of a long term plan, but the goal is to have them in with the soil all conditioned and ready to plant at the end of this coming winter - so by summer next year we should have a lovely crop happening. Until then we will stick to the back yard and deal with the dog carnage.

Done a bit of tidying around the house and a few loads of washing. Still got a little bit to go.
Generally a nice relaxing day though.